I’m a 28-year-old gay guy. In previous connections I was – primarily – the utmost effective. I’ve been with my present lover for 2 many years and in this relationship I have merely been the bottom, as my partner has a fear of it. I’m really disappointed, and then have contemplated infidelity, which fulfills me with shame. I enjoy him very much, but believe as if we’re incompatible on this fundamental degree.

Energy battles between lovers can manifest in many ways, with sexuality one of the most popular battlegrounds. The actual issue frequently is in broader problems, thus I ask you: exactly why today? Where other ways could you be experiencing your unspoken agreement between you is actually unjust? People find it better to whine about sex than, say, investing, but to save your own relationship you must address all unpleasant dilemmas immediately.

However, your feelings about sexual bottoming are perfectly legitimate. A discussion about equity, in which you truly show your feelings and ask for modification, is required. Attempt to explore the metaphoric meanings of topping and bottoming both for people. After you feel certainly realized, attempt to renegotiate that contract, showing yourself calmly and demonstrably. If there’s an impasse, go over other options, including outside agreements.

But notice – in consensual sex, anyone bottoming is actually control (emotionally topping, since he’s the energy to withdraw their authorization). You may not wish give that up?

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is actually a psychotherapist just who specialises in treating intimate problems.